Saturday, October 3, 2009

Frustration Station

Aural Pleasure: Adele~ 19

In reality, really, I feel as though I'm--as a wise woman so aptly put it, being held emotionally hostage. I don't know what to do however, I just feel trapped inside myself fighting between my only two real options: (1) Surrender to just living in the gray area, in the in between realm of being and not being in a relationship or (2) Move on and pretend that I'm not in love with him. In my personal opinion both options are equally unattractive. Its driving me crazy and I hate the fact that things feel as though they are so far from falling into place. I just wish I knew what to do so that I can live my damn life because right now I feel as though I'm living some imitation preview version of what should be right around the corner. I love this man unlike I've loved anyone else... but sometimes I have to wonder if its supposed to be... I mean its been damn near four years and we haven't figured it out yet. I can't live in the gray anymore I refuse and I deserve better. I don't care how good it feels... because as good as it feels it hurts ten times as much.And i swear I hate that whenever I voice my frustrations he's like "well how can I fix it"??? I mean really sir?! In reality we both know that you are no where near ready to be in the position to be in a relationship.. shit you are already in a relationship!!! Ugh Men and their shenanigans!!!

Ok so I fucked up hard core yesterday! I mean I was eating like I was about to win an award for obese female of the year or something! It was insane!I wish I could blame all of this emo mumbo jumbo and foolish eating on something logical like PMS or pregnancy but my cycle has yet to start... and I know I'm not pregnant because I havent gotten any in a LOOOOOOONG time( lawd help me)! I fell off and rolled under the raw food band wagon all of yesterday. I've decided that I'm going to lay off of the weed and the booze for a little while... ok who am I kidding?! I'm about to have a birthday next weekend! After my birthday though, seriously I aim to just leave it alone until the new year. I need to maintain as clear and level headed as possible in these next few months in order for me to get as much accomplished as humanly possible. I am thankful that today has been most excellent. I made a wonderful salad and a big raw black forest brownie to go with some of the raw ice cream I made that's in the fridge. I cant wait till Monday so I can start hitting the gym again!!!

"If we're not willing to settle for junk living, we certainly shouldn't settle for junk food."
Sally Edwards

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