Birthday

I'm sick, but I know that its something I've totally brought upon myself. I was eating like total and utter crap which totally weakened my immune system. Its funny how your body constantly reminds me that I'm supposed to be eating a more natural, raw diet and I keep ignoring it.. or finding excuses. I refuse to keep making the same mistakes over and over because that is the true definition of insanity.
I just celebrated my 22nd birthday, yay! I'm more determined now though that by December, and certainly by the time that I turn 23 there's certain battles that I no longer want to be fighting. I don't want to struggle with my weight or with an ED.. its not the business. Quite frankly I know that once I get this taken care of I'll have so many doors opening up to me because I can move on to accomplish new tasks. In the next few days, I'm getting my old dehydrator and food processor sent to me as well as some of my supplements and seasonings from my old apartment. I cant wait!!!
I'm learning that its not about having time, its all about making time. So, before I go to bed I'm going to make some snacks to get me through tomorrow. I have a midterm tomorrow and I already know I will be spending most of the night studying, so it will be helpful for me to have healthy snackage that I can turn to, so I don't crash, or binge on bagels and cream cheese.
I've been 100% raw since monday and I plan to keep it that way!!! So now I'm going to start saying I've been a raw (85%<) since 10/12/09 that way its more apart of my lifestyle than it is something temporary or something that I can just throw away with a bad food choice.

Focus

Aural Pleasure: Chrisette Michele~ Epiphany
I'm excited! I've been on this journey for the past week and some change now and I've been doing... ok. I have slipped up quite a bit but at the same time its a process and I can feel myself improving. especially in terms of my health. My asthma was under control in about 4 days and so I'm thrilled about that especially since I don't have health insurance or a regular doctor.
I need to stop procrastinating so I can get back to this paper.... excuse me these papers. Lord help me!!!

Frustration Station

Aural Pleasure: Adele~ 19

In reality, really, I feel as though I'm--as a wise woman so aptly put it, being held emotionally hostage. I don't know what to do however, I just feel trapped inside myself fighting between my only two real options: (1) Surrender to just living in the gray area, in the in between realm of being and not being in a relationship or (2) Move on and pretend that I'm not in love with him. In my personal opinion both options are equally unattractive. Its driving me crazy and I hate the fact that things feel as though they are so far from falling into place. I just wish I knew what to do so that I can live my damn life because right now I feel as though I'm living some imitation preview version of what should be right around the corner. I love this man unlike I've loved anyone else... but sometimes I have to wonder if its supposed to be... I mean its been damn near four years and we haven't figured it out yet. I can't live in the gray anymore I refuse and I deserve better. I don't care how good it feels... because as good as it feels it hurts ten times as much.And i swear I hate that whenever I voice my frustrations he's like "well how can I fix it"??? I mean really sir?! In reality we both know that you are no where near ready to be in the position to be in a relationship.. shit you are already in a relationship!!! Ugh Men and their shenanigans!!!

Ok so I fucked up hard core yesterday! I mean I was eating like I was about to win an award for obese female of the year or something! It was insane!I wish I could blame all of this emo mumbo jumbo and foolish eating on something logical like PMS or pregnancy but my cycle has yet to start... and I know I'm not pregnant because I havent gotten any in a LOOOOOOONG time( lawd help me)! I fell off and rolled under the raw food band wagon all of yesterday. I've decided that I'm going to lay off of the weed and the booze for a little while... ok who am I kidding?! I'm about to have a birthday next weekend! After my birthday though, seriously I aim to just leave it alone until the new year. I need to maintain as clear and level headed as possible in these next few months in order for me to get as much accomplished as humanly possible. I am thankful that today has been most excellent. I made a wonderful salad and a big raw black forest brownie to go with some of the raw ice cream I made that's in the fridge. I cant wait till Monday so I can start hitting the gym again!!!

"If we're not willing to settle for junk living, we certainly shouldn't settle for junk food."
Sally Edwards